Dear John,

First, let me offer my condolences to the terrible loss of your beloved daughter. The death of a child is one of the hardest experiences any parent has to face.

Next, John, because of no fault of your own, you have had to file for disability. This can be excruciatingly difficult, especially for a man who has a family who depends on him. However, remember that claiming disability by no means reflects your importance or worth. 

Since you have written to me, you know now is the time to put the bottle down and start living life for yourself and your two daughters. Not only is the excessive drinking causing social problems, but it is posing all sorts of health problems as well. I normally would advise you to attend AA, and this is still my first recommendation but since you want an alternative solution, let's see what we can do to help you regain control over your life.

*Realize your goals. Look within yourself with brutal honesty and tell yourself why you want to stop the drinking. Is it your health? Your appearance? The image you are creating for yourself? Why do you want to do this? If the reason is for yourself, you will be more successful than if you're doing this for someone else.

*Get your family involved. Tell your family your wishes to stop drinking, and establish new rules for yourself. Once you include them, especially your daughters, you think especially hard any time you want to break your own rules. 

Parents set rules for their children, which they expect those children to adhere to those rules. Parents also set examples for their children; you don't want your girls to see their daddy break his own rules. If you can break your own rules, why shouldn't they? In other words, if you expect the best out of your daughters, you need to expect the best out of yourself, as well.

*Take it slowly. Let's do this correctly. Start off setting one day a week without drinking beer. Then make it two. Breaking up the larger goal with smaller goals is not cheating and in no way makes it less of a commitment. Just be sure to let your family know when you're making these changes so you'll be more likely to stick with them. 

*Substitute your drinking. Is there a hobby you enjoy? If the answer is "no," then find one. When you feel like having a drink, instead of concentrating on that desire to pop a top, get involved with something else. Occupy your mind, John, with something you enjoy doing. This will not only get your mind off drinking, but should help you get out of the house and meet, and perhaps join, people who enjoy the same thing. 

Don't give up! This is not going to be easy. You may go weeks without drinking, but you always return to that security. We're going to achieve the goal of not returning to the bottle. If it were easy, I would not get many of the letters I have received and there would be no such thing as Alcohol Anonymous. If you have too many drinks, resolve yourself to get back on track the next day. 

Get a Psychiatric eval:  There’s a good chance you are depressed.

Again, even with all  the above I recommend AA. That is a tremendous source of support for someone trying to get sober. If you want to give up the beer, and I sincerely believe you do or you would not have taken out the time to write, then you will find the strength to do just that. 

Your daughters are young enough that they need their father, because you do have important gifts to share with them. I wish you much luck, John, and I wish you a happy, healthy future.

Dr. Archer