Dear Dr. Archer,
Nine months ago I began having a monogamous relationship with a very nice guy. We started the dating process slowly, then got pretty serious after a couple of months. We got along really well, although we noticed we had some differences in our interest and social activities. I am very outgoing, enjoy being with people, and he enjoys being alone, and is less social. We equally compromised the things we did together.
Sometimes I was reluctant about our differences, but thought we had so many other things in common and enjoyed each other's company so much that we could work things out. We have traveled and have had many great memories along the way. I experienced the love, passion and companionship that I have been wanting for a long time.
We have a had several disagreements over certain social activities, communication, and misperceived comments. Never has the relationship been verbally abusive or dysfunctional. I thought the issues were normal and could be resolved. I did say on a few occasions that if we couldn't resolve our differences, then I could not be in the relationship.
Recently, he went to Wyoming with his family for a week long camping trip and upon returning he decided to break up with me. I was shocked and very hurt. He said he could not give me what I wanted and that we were not compatible.
We did meet in person a couple of times to discuss our relationship. At first I thought we would work it out, but I noticed he was very distant. He said he has a long pattern of not being able to commit. He recently sent me a link about commitment phobia and one on "Men who can't love". The information was on target based on what I have been experiencing. He said he was going to work on his issues before getting involved in any relationship, and was very sorry for hurting me. He was willing to go to my therapist with me next week, but I don't this he is going to go after our emotional, final break up talk today.
I have had a very hard time accepting this breakup, crying and just feeling very sad. It has brought up feelings from my divorce three years ago and other previous relationships. I have been in regular therapy for three years and plan to continue going.
Your opinion and thoughts on this issue are very much appreciated. I am curious to know what you think about "Commitment Phobia," and men who have difficulty loving.
Annette
Dear Annette,
Commitment Phobia is a real fear for some men and even a few women. Those who have this phobia really long for a lasting relationship, but their fear of this failing prevents them from obtaining this that they truly want. In other words, Annette, he fears what he wants most and this keeps him from obtaining it.
The commitment phobic may choose fall in love with someone who is different, unobtainable or long distance. Also they sometimes deliberately choose a person they would never marry. This makes the relationship "safe” and gives them an out when things get too serious.
However most commitment phobic’s operate on a purely subconscious level. They enter into a relationship with good intentions only to sabotage it when things get too serious and they never realize they are doing this.
As far as treatment, recognizing and admitting the problem is the first step. Being open to treatments, usually group therapy with others having the same relationship issues, is also important. I would go to therapy with him and discuss all of this but it doesn’t sound like this is going to work out the way you want. All you can do is learn and move on as a wiser person. Take care.
Dr. Archer
